A
note to readers: The following slasher/horror movie reviews are written
for slasher/horror movie fans, meaning I have painstakingly (you have no
idea) tried to watch, analyze, and rate the following movies (on my own
scale of Lame-Ass to One Mean MoFo) in the context of the slasher/horror
movie genre (giving allowance, of course, to my own preferences).
Please be kind and read them accordingly. Thank you.
My
Rating System, ***** being the best, and * being the absolute worst; for
example:
*****
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
****
Dressed To Kill
***
The House on Sorority Row
**
The Mutilator
*
Slumber Party Massacre II
-Epitaph
(1987) - Joseph Merhi *1/2
It
seems the Fulton family has to keep moving from one town to another, because
the mother is a homicidal maniac who murders any man who doesn't submit
to her drunken seductions. And Mr. 
Fulton,
like any good, caring husband, never thinks twice about burying her victims
in the backyard, packing up the family car, and setting off for a brand-new
destination. This is an extraordinary movie, and when I say extraordinary,
I mean it's extraordinarily stupid. If it had been presented as a
dark comedy (in the vein of, say, John Waters's "Serial Mom"), then they
might have had something to work with, but, unfortunately, the cast plays
it dead-serious. Thus, it is extremely difficult to believe that
Mr. Fulton, his traumatized teen-age daughter, and his scared old mother
would put up with this madwoman's homicidal tendencies. We're supposed
to accept that they would rather keep covering up her murders and moving
from place to place than see her "locked up." Mrs. Fulton offers
no redeemable qualities whatsoever to warrant such absurd protection --
she constantly browbeats her daughter about her clothes and boys, she threatens
her pathetic mother-in-law around the clock, and she's not exactly a hell-cat
in the bedroom with Mr. Fulton (maybe if she looked like Michelle Pfeiffer,
I could buy it -- but Michelle Pfeiffer she ain't.) Flint Keller,
as the daughter's unlikely boyfriend, Wayne, does the most passable acting
job out of this ugly group, and whoever plays Warren (who only has about
a 20-second scene) sports the most amazing pompadour-mullet I've ever seen
(it is almost -- I repeat, almost -- worth the rental).
Lowlight:
In the ghastliest scene (and one of the more gruesome scenes I've ever
witnessed in one of these kinds of movies), the crazy mother hangs a bucket
with a hungry rat inside it over a woman's torso and heats up the bottom
with a blowtorch until the rat has to eat its way through the woman's stomach
to get out. I guess that should score points for creativity (especially
in cheap and otherwise unimaginative crud like this), but it didn't exactly
make the movie any more endearing. Go figure.
-Eyes
of a Stranger (1981) - Ken Wiederhorn **1/2
"The
Love Boat"'s Lauren Tewes and Jennifer Jason Leigh (in one of her first
roles) star in this derivative, unpleasant movie about a serial rapist-killer
who makes obscene and threatening phone calls to his potential victims
before murdering them (like in "Black Christmas"). One male victim
is decapitated and his head is stuffed in a fish tank (like in "He Knows
You're Alone"). Tewes plays a local news anchorwoman who suspects
that the tenant in the apartment across the yard from hers is the killer
(like in "Rear Window" and "Sisters"), so she spies on him and conducts
her own investigation. In spite of the obvious influences from better
films and the near-misogynistic depictions of women being stalked, raped
and murdered, this movie does manage to generate some genuine suspense
here and there, particularly in the frightening climax. Tom Savini
did the make-up effects, but it looks like a lot of the potentially bloodier
stuff was cut out. Wiederhorn also directed the much-better ‘77 underwater-Nazi-zombie
thriller "Shock Waves," which, in this film, is shown playing on television
in two different scenes (and, curiously, also features one victim being
stuffed in a fish tank -- does this recurring motif make Wiederhorn some
kind of an auteur?)
HIGHLIGHT:
Alone in the apartment with Leigh, who plays Tewes' deaf, mute, and blind
younger sister, the killer toys with her by moving plates and knives out
of her reach while she tries to cut a piece of cake.
-Fade
to Black (1980) - Vernon Zimmerman **
Dennis
Christopher gets to assume a number of different characters and disguises
for his role as Eric Binford, a nerdy film fanatic who lives with his crippled
"Aunt Stella" (Eve Brent) and sits up in 
his
room and watches actual reel projections of everything from "White Heat"
to "Halloween." We also get to see the grapefruit scene from James
Cagney's "Public Enemy" and a long scene of zombies munching on arms and
legs from "Night of the Living Dead." A number of unpleasant people
(a bitchy aunt, a jerky boss, an asshole co-worker) and incidents (being
stood up by Australian Marilyn Monroe lookalike Linda Kerridge) plague
Eric and gradually cause his distinction between fantasy and reality to
blur until, next thing you know, he's painting his face white, dressing
up in a Dracula cape, and chasing hookers through parking lots. Christopher
also gets to impersonate Cagney (twice), Hopalong Cassidy, the Mummy, and
other famous movie characters as he exacts messy and unlikely revenge on
his tormentors. Tim Thomerson plays a former-hippie police psychologist
who sniffs cocaine, and future stars Mickey Rourke and Peter Horton show
up in smaller roles (Rourke plays the asshole coworker.) Overall,
this is a neat idea, and it's not bad, but it moves kinda slow, and there
are several plot holes (for instance, where did Eric get the Tommy gun?
And that 1950s gangster car? Maybe I was dozing during those parts.
...)
HIGHLIGHT:
I enjoyed the old movie clips.
-The
Fan (1981) - Edward Bianchi **
This
is a strange hybrid -- a mostly high-class cast in a movie with the lurid
and excessively gory sensibilities of a low-class slasher flick.
Aging Lauren Bacall plays an aging actress about to make her debut in a
Broadway musical when an obsessed psycho-fan (Michael Biehn, a few years
before kicking ass in "The Terminator" and "Aliens") starts slicing up
her friends (including Maureen Stapleton as her secretary) with a straight
razor. James Garner and Hector Elizondo round out the distinguished
cast in this so-so thriller based on the book by Bob Randall, and look
for quick cameos by then-unknowns Dwight Schultz ("The A-Team"), Dana Delany
("China Beach," "Exit to Eden") and Griffin Dunne ("An American Werewolf
in London," "After Hours"). This conceivably could have been a more
respectable movie without all of the violent razor slashings and the standard
bloody climax. I wonder if director Bianchi ever told his cast exactly
what kind of a movie they were making. The ‘96 Robert De Niro/Wesley
Snipes thriller with the same name and premise is actually much worse than
this one.
Lowlight:
Biehn lures an unsuspecting young man out of a gay bar and then slashes
his throat while he's -- er -- cleaning Biehn's pipes. Hey-yoooooo!!!
-Fear
Runs Silent (1999) - Serge Rodnunsky *
I
should have learned by now that most straight-to-video horror movies are
going to be pretty lousy. This pile of junk is no exception.
I guess the director wanted it to be complex and ambiguous, but it doesn't
work. He throws in a ton of flashbacks and flashforwards and unnecessary
cuts and jerky edits that are supposed to juxtapose the main story (a buncha
dumb high school kids and their science teacher go into the woods and get
attacked by cannibalistic mountain men) with the framework story of a young
girl undergoing psychiatric evaluation because of possible molestation
by her father in the past. If this had been handled by a competent
writer and director, it might have been passably entertaining, but, instead,
it's a tedious and confusing mess. In spite of the supposedly complex
plot, much of the movie is padded with MTV-style video scenes of snowball
fights and people running back and forth to fill out its 90-minute length.
If the makers had cut out all of the pretentious (and stupid) background
psychological stuff and stuck with the short, simple story of kids getting
attacked by mountain men, then this might have been something (still derivative
and silly, yes, but at least something). Stacey Keach plays the teacher
and Billy Dee Williams plays a sheriff. If they really needed the
money, I'd have had more respect for them if they'd gotten a job at Burger
King. Avoid this, kids. I'm thinking of suing the makers for
stealing ninety minutes of my life.
Lowlight:
Stranded on top of a sinking car (or rock or something -- I can't remember),
heroine Kerry (Suzanne Davis) swings across the river to safety by taking
off her pants and tying them to a tree branch hanging above her, a ridiculously
contrived excuse to have her spend the rest of the movie in her underwear.
Honestly, the bank was maybe five feet away, she could have gained more
ground by simply jumping. Really dumb.
-Final
Exam (1981) - Jimmy Huston *1/2
This
early ‘80s, routine slasher kinda stinks. The first half just shows
a lot of trivial talking and fraternity jokes (like a phony machine gun
massacre) during finals week before a mysterious madman starts cutting
down the student population for no apparent reason. No explanation
or motive is even attempted in this dull hack-em-up. I suppose it's
honorable that the filmmakers attempted to develop some of the characters
with all the dialogue, but by the time they all start getting offed, I
still found myself not caring one way or another about any of them.
One good murder set piece featuring a hazing (and potential slasher) victim
tied to a tree was later redone slightly in "Scream 2," but, otherwise,
this one doesn't have much going for it.
Lowlight:
The aforementioned "terrorist-machine-gun massacre" goes on for a good
five minutes or so, long past the point where most sensible viewers can
guess it's just an excessive fraternity prank. And then the big,
dumb jock leading the prank goes back to his room covered with fake blood
and changes shirts without showering or anything. Sick bastard.
-The
Final Terror (1983) - Andrew Davis **
Produced
by Samuel Arkoff, this is one of those low-budget (albeit tolerably directed)
jobs with several different titles ("The Campsite Murders" and "Forest
Primeval" to name a couple) and two 
or
three different release dates between 1980 and 1985 (I split the difference
and went with ‘83, although the original release date is most likely ‘81,
for those who care.) It's of interest mainly for featuring Darryl
Hannah and Rachel Ward (not to mention Joe Pantoliano, from "Memento" and
"The Sopranos") in early roles. The gals play the girlfriends of
forest rangers out on a work detail in the woods who run across an unseen,
homicidal maniac. There's a refreshingly low body count, but, given
the number of potential victims who have little else to do but run around
and bitch, maybe the cast should have been reduced by two or three actors.
Other than a couple of minor shocks here and there, there's also a lack
of action and suspense. Come to think of it -- no gratuitous nudity,
no excessive violence -- who exactly was this movie made for? The
last third, with the survivors paddling down river in a big raft, starts
to resemble a tame "Deliverance" (as well as other forest/slasher movies
too numerous to name). There are pretty good killer-in-the-woods
flicks ("Just Before Dawn") and there are really bad killer-in-the-woods
flicks ("Berserker"), and this one sits somewhere just south of the border.
Davis went on to direct big-budget action movies (including "Under Siege"
and Harrison Ford's "The Fugitive").
HIGHLIGHT:
I'm being generous to go with a highlight for this one, but I kinda liked
the part where the killer was hit with a giant, swinging log studded with
sharp spikes. It reminded me of a Road Runner cartoon.
-The
Forest (1983) - Don Jones *
I
realize that bad acting and even worse writing is often a given in these
kinds of movies, but this movie just about takes the cake -- I have rarely
seen more cliched dialogue and stiffer acting outside of an Ed Wood film.
As you probably guessed from the title, this is yet another killer-in-the-woods
flick, in which a crazy old hermit tries to kill and eat two couples on
an otherwise perfectly relaxing camping vacation. One "notable" twist
is that the madman's murdered wife and two children haunt the woods and
try to help the victimized campers (we can tell they're ghosts because
they appear and disappear at will and their voices have that "ghostly"
echo quality -- whoooooo . ... ) For some dumb reason, the ghost
kids talk as if they're from the 1800s ("Come, we must help them!"), an
example of the horrid writing in this turkey. There is really very
little here that would appeal to slasher/horror fans -- no gratuitous violence,
no gratuitous sex (not even any late-night skinny-dipping), and very little
suspense. Plus, some of the night scenes are so damn dark that you
can only guess what's going on! This is an extremely obscure movie
and probably near-impossible to find, and it's easy to see why. I
was passed out 45 minutes or so into it, so I don't even know how it ends,
but I'm not too anxious to find out.
Lowlight:
One of the doofus male campers is unknowingly served his own girlfriend
for dinner (he takes a bite and says, "It's not that bad," and then, a
few seconds later, he gets a funny look on his face and remarks, "I just
got a chill!")
-Friday
the 13th (1980) - Sean Cunningham **1/2
This
is the first in a looong line of hit-or-miss slashers that should have
probably stopped at four (but now that they're up to number ten, I suppose
they might as well keep going until they reach "Friday the 13th, Part 13"
-- it will be an epic moment in all of our lives, I'm sure.) It's
also more or less responsible for all the slasher-in-the-woods movies that
popped up in the early ‘80s. In retaliation for a young boy's accidental
drowning death at Camp Crystal Lake, a vengeful, unseen murderer methodically
knocks off a group of summer camp counselors in gruesomely imaginative
ways There are some scary parts and okay gore effects here
and there (provided by Tom Savini), but this movie is notable mostly for
being the only one in the series that doesn't feature Jason as the killer
and for featuring Kevin Bacon in an early role (he gets speared through
the throat for those of you keeping count.) If I were him, I wouldn't
be too ashamed of being in this movie -- hey, he helped kick off a low-budget
legacy!
HIGHLIGHT:
Heroine Adrienne King and mad momma Betsy Palmer go at it tooth-and-nail
until King gets a hold of the machete and relieves Palmer of her splitting
migraines for good.
-Friday
the 13th Part 2 (1981) -Steve Miner ***
This
is one of my favorites of the series, because it doesn't just heap on one
gory murder after another -- it actually tries to build some suspense in
the scary cat-and-mouse chase scenes 
between
Jason and his victims (particularly the resourceful Amy Steel). That's
not to say there aren't as many gory murders in this one, because there
are (a couple having sex in bed are skewered together through the mattress
with a spear, a death scene copied from Mario Bava's highly influential
1972 body-count thriller "Twitch of the Death Nerve") -- it's just that
some of the characters/victims are more appealing than usual (they do not
seem to exist solely to get their heads lopped off, their throats sliced
open, their bodies skewered, etc.) There's a good and long chase
through the woods and then another false ending with a final shock that
(like the original) rips off "Carrie."
HIGHLIGHT:
The really hot chic goes skinny-dipping (I didn't say all the highlights
had to be horror-oriented.) This epic moment in cinema history would
go on to influence other skinny-dipping scenes in similar slasher-in-the-woods
movies ("The Burning," "Just Before Dawn," "House of Death").
-Friday
the 13th Part 3 (1982) - Steve Miner **
This
third, unremarkable entry in the series is memorable mainly for being the
one in which Jason dons his defining hockey mask (he takes it from a chubby
loser who's always playing poor-taste practical jokes on his friends.)
Otherwise, you get more mostly good-looking youngsters (as well as a trio
of biker punks and a couple who do nothing but sit around and smoke pot)
lining up to be cut down to size by axes, machetes, pitchforks, spear guns,
and any other sharp object Jason can magically pull out of thin air.
The acting in this one seems a little worse than usual, but Jason's disfigured
face makeup looks pretty good, at least. When this originally came
out in theaters, it was shown in 3-D, so there are lots of annoying, extended
scenes of people pointing clothesline poles and eyeballs and other things
at the camera. Miner would go on to direct Hollywood feel-good movies
like "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken" and "Forever Young."
Lowlight:
To show off the 3-D effects, there are two insufferably long scenes (at
least a minute or two apiece) of a kid playing with a yo-yo and two other
kids juggling apples.
-Friday
the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter (1984) - Joseph Zito ***
Don't
believe the title. They made six more (and counting) after this one
(granted, in a "clever" bit of evasion, part five was sub-titled "A New
Beginning.") Aside from that, this is another one of my favorites
of the series, because, as with part 2, the young, horny cast of potential
victims is mostly likable and there are a few jolts and shudders here and
there rather than just the usual chop-stab-slice-gouge-skewer-and-bludgeon-by-the-numbers
ingredients. Plus, it stars oddball actor Crispin Glover and Corey
Feldman as a creepy, special effects wiz kid. Glover gets offed with
a corkscrew, but Feldman gets to stab and hack up Jason about a hundred
times with a machete at the end. Kimberley Beck and Peter Barton
also star and Tom Savini once again provides the makeup effects, including
Jason's frightening face makeup. Zito also directed the 1981 slasher
"The Prowler" and some Chuck Norris movies ("Missing In Action," "Invasion
U.S.A.").
HIGHLIGHT:
Crispin Glover's herky-jerky dance is well worth the price of the rental.
-The
Funhouse (1981) - Tobe Hooper ***1/2
Exceptional
horror thriller from the director of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" about
a group of 
kids
who witness a murder when they stay overnight in the funhouse of a traveling
carnival. The movie builds up to some very suspenseful stalk-and-murder
sequences and features one of the scariest-looking, sub-human killers I've
ever seen in a slasher film. There's only minimal background explanation,
but that doesn't matter, because this flick's all about the thrills.
What ever happened to the gritty lunacy and mean-spirited horror of Hooper's
early films, such as this one? It's like he took a left turn sometime
after "TCM 2" and never found his way back (last time I checked, he'd directed
a forgettable straight-to-video bit of derivative nonsense about a killer
crocodile -- ?) Sad. Elizabeth Berridge stars as heroine Amy,
Cooper Huckabee is "Buzz" and Sylvia Miles (nominated for "Midnight Cowboy"),
as Madame Zena, gets throttled by a guy wearing a Frankenstein mask.
HIGHLIGHT:
Poor, pretty Liz (Largo Woodruff) thinks she's in a fix when she falls
through a trap door and lands in the dark, labyrinthine fan ducts beneath
the funhouse -- and then she hears something mewling and scratching around
the corner ahead of her. ...
See
Part I of Ehrhorn's Screaming Coeds & Psycho Slashers
Part
II
Part
III
Screaming
Coeds & Psycho Slashers